Dating

This is a tough one. Traditionally it has been expected that the guy should cover the cost of dinner when on a date. But, as in all areas of life, traditions fade gradually over time. With the rise of feminism and female empowerment, the issue is less clear cut today than it has ever been. Should a guy pay heed to an old chivalric obligation and foot the bill, or should a girl seek to be treated as an equal partner and split it?

In an effort to find some kind of consensus as to how the deal should go down, we asked a varied selection of men and women the simple question, “What’s your policy when it comes to picking up the check on a date?” After reading what our interviewees have to say you’ll be armed with some fresh insight to take with you on your next date!

A common response that came from the men we questioned went something like “the guy should always offer to pay.” If he offers to pay, he shows that he cares, but is willing to allow his date to make up her mind for herself. But this scenario still implies that the guy is in control of the situation. Is that agreeable for most women?

From those we spoke to, it seems so. “I personally prefer that the guy pays for the first date. I’m kind of traditional,” said one. Another expanded on this: “I like a guy who is willing to pay for the first two or three dates. I’m a little traditional and I don’t mind being shown that he’s putting in the effort. But on any date after that and I prefer to split the bill.”

So it seems many people prefer to at least pay lip service to tradition. But then the question becomes, how should a girl respond when the guy offers to pay the bill? Should she accept outright, make a quick offer to pay before accepting, or insist that the bill should be split?

“I’ll usually make some kind of counter-offer, like “I was thinking we might go out for coffee or drinks next time. Why don’t I cover that, and we’ll call it even?” said one of the women we asked. An interesting strategy, but this of course is assuming that the date went well, which we can all agree doesn’t happen all the time.

“As a girl I always offer to pay my half, if they say no I offer once more. If they still say no, then I offer to cover the tip or buy dessert later.” This was representative of a more common answer to our question. “I also keep the rule that if I can’t afford to cover my half then I don’t go on the date,” she added.

A few people had some rather interesting policies of their own. “If I ask anyone to have dinner with me, I always offer to pay, regardless of the situation,” one guy said. A couple of people shared this view, with another agreeing, “Whoever does the asking should pay, unless it’s a blind date or an internet first meet, in which case it should be split.”

As happens a lot these days, someone had to bring up the economy: “These days, it should be the employed one – or, if both are employed, the better paid one – who pays, unless they’re splitting.” Another girl added, “When means to pay are unequal I am a fan of switching, where the wealthier person pays for the more expensive dates which alternate with cheap dates – so fancy restaurant one night, pizza and a movie the next.” This implies that both parties are aware of each other’s pay grades however, which isn’t always likely to be the case on most first dates, and could lead to an awkward conversation.

A few quirky responses aside, the consensus seems to be that men should offer to pay, and women should either accept graciously or insist upon splitting it – either option is fine in most cases. Most of our guys didn’t seem put out by this either, unless their date is rude about it. “I am willing to pay for the first three dates, but if she doesn’t at least reach or offer, then that says a lot of negative things to me,” one man said. The general rule seems to be that the guy will pay for the first few dates until both become more acquainted and the issue of who pays what is no longer so awkward.

So, in spite of how far we have progressed and modernized as a society, the dating game seems to be the last haven of chivalry, where men can and should make their lady feel a little bit special for the night as they wine and dine together. That’s not such a bad thing, is it?

A friend called me the other day to let me know that she’s engaged…to her girlfriend of six months. The next day, another friend told me that she and the man she’s been dating since October are planning a move across the country together. My instinct is to worry about these relationships, but am I being unfair? How soon is too soon?

I strongly suspected my now-husband was the man I wanted to spend my life with early on in our relationship, but I was gun-shy. I quietly freaked out when he suggested moving in a year after we started dating, and I almost had a panic attack on our second anniversary, when he kept rubbing my ring finger. (I was, of course, nothing but delighted when he actually proposed a year later.) For me, waiting seemed like a prudent course of action. I knew I loved him, but I had trouble seeing the rush.

My fast-moving friends would likely call this overly cautious. “When you know,” they say, with eyes gleaming, “you just know.” Maybe so, but what’s the harm of a little time to make sure? The first few months of a relationship should be nothing but love and bliss, but often, that fades quickly within a year. To put it another way: I’ve never spent those first blissful weeks and months of dating someone new thinking we were going to break up and, nine times out of ten, we did. Waiting: there’s nothing wrong with it.

Leila Cohan-Miccio 

I was recently informed that I am mature enough to have a civil conversation with someone I no longer wish to date regardless of whether or not I was exclusively dating them. “The non-boyfriend break-up? The awkward “we were never really together, so why are we having this talk” talk? Oh I totally disagree,” I responded adamantly.

I went on to say that break-up talks are not necessary unless exclusively dating. See also: Boyfriend and Girlfriend. That means I have directly expressed interest in either 1) Sex with you and no one else but you, which means neither of us can sleep with someone else but are allowed to go on dates, or 2) Number one plus exclusively dating you and no one else but you.

If none of these words have not emerged from my full, pretty lips, or I have not agreed to them, then I will see other people as the opportunities present.  Sidenote: Personally, I like men who bring this up first. Not the second date because that equals crazy, but I like a man with relationship conviction. Regardless of my stance, I am flattered to be the object of said desire and think highly of your self-awareness and courage. If no talk has ensued, then you are not my boyfriend, and I am not your girlfriend. I don’t need a non-boyfriend break-up talk. I am fine with the diss and dismiss.

But my friends rejected, spat on and kicked this standpoint. So I’m thinking, Haven’t these people ever seen He’s Just Not That Into You? If a guy likes you, he will call/text/email you. In most cases, he will do all of the above. He will schedule time to see you and ask about your week. He will measure what you like and don’t like. He will remember at least something you said. He will respond to your inquiries in a timely fashion. If he doesn’t email you back about your friend’s broken finger, he is probably busy at work. If he doesn’t email you back about your date on Saturday night, he probably doesn’t like you.

The same goes for you. When you like a guy, let him know. If you honestly forget to text him back after he asks you to dinner on Thursday night… You get it. You would never forget if you liked the guy. If either party made a mistake by failing to provide the proper amount of attention or clear communication, and this can happen at first with the varying personalities and the male species insane ability to compartmentalize, then give it another try.

And most importantly, hold yourself in high regard. When it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. No one is too busy. No one is too dense. No one “has a lot on his mind” all the time. (Because srsly, the President has a lot more on his mind than your paper-pushing date and he still goes on dates.) If you are ruminating excessively over a near stranger, then let it go. In my opinion, you don’t even have to tell him. If he’s sees the error of his way, he will come back. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t smart enough for you anyway. There are a billion men in this world. Actually, there are more.

Emma Dinzebach

Forget the traditional meaning of double dating. This is New York, not Nashville; and for Gotham girls double dating means you have back to back dates. Tight travel schedules, strict deadlines and a packed September social schedule have made double dating an increasingly necessary part of my life. Double dating is also a useful strategy for people on the fast track to marriage and for people with sparse wardrobes. It sounds exhausting, but if you have the energy, double dating is a time-saving godsend.

The only way an amateur like yourself can successfully pull off double dating involves following these guidelines. So even though I am going to be crucified by all of the men I’m currently seeing, below are the double dating rules. I hope you appreciate my sacrifice.

How to Double Date

3) You have to lie. I know it sounds bad to start off a potential relationship with a lie, but imagine the great story it will make if one of the dudes is indeed prince charming. I always use my brother because no sane man would argue that spending time with him trumps spending time with my brother. Dudes are scared of brothers. Plus, my brother is younger, so it’s totally realistic that I would have to meet him late at night.

4) Trust your gut. This goes for everything in life, but especially dating. If you find yourself giddy and lifted from date number one, politely say “Will you please excuse me for a second?” Then go outside. If you feel weird doing this, you can lie (again) and say you have to use the restroom, but never go in the restroom. I repeat, DO NOT go to the restroom. You have no idea who might overhear you. Men in adjacent bathrooms can hear through vents and nosy waitresses will tell your date. It has all happened before. Go outside.

Call date number two. Do not text him. Text cancellations are very rude. Kindly explain to him that something came up. If you aim to see him again, then you are going to have to lie again. Your sister is hysterical, and you feel so bad leaving her because you have been very busy [insert something wifely here – volunteering, taking care of your sick neighbors dog, etc.] and haven’t been there for her lately. Apologize profusely while peppering him with specified flattery. Say you were looking so forward to seeing him because [insert something specific]. The more specific your flattery, the more sincere you will sound. But don’t make an elaborate story! Elaborate stories are dead giveaways. Ask when can you reschedule? This is key. Reschedule right then and there. That way you are polite, considerate, and flattering – bases covered.

Then go back inside and make out with your date.

5) Keep track of the stories – yours and theirs. This is why god invented smart phones ladies. Limit your martinis if alcohol affects your memory. Making sure you aren’t asking date number two about his dog dying when that was date number one’s story is important. You don’t want to come off as aloof, rude or like a complete idiot. Complete idiots can’t pull this off.

6) Do not try three. Three are exhausting and unnecessary. And if you even have three dates in one day, then maybe you should consider taking over this column.

Emma Dinzebach