Leila Cohan-Miccio

A friend called me up the other day to tell me about her new boyfriend, Y. She gushed on for several minutes about his eyes, his funny jokes, his cute dog. When I was finally able to get a word in edgewise, I squeaked out “Wait, you broke up with X?”

I have several friends like this, who swing from significant other to significant other like so many jungle branches. The process is always the same: one day, I’ll get a sobbing call from the friend about their most recent break up. He was a jerk, she wouldn’t shut up, he was still hung up on his ex, she couldn’t commit. It’s okay, though, because my friend is just going to focus on his or her self for a while. Maybe it’s finally time to take that art class! Do I want to go out next weekend? A week later, like clockwork, the friend calls back. They’re dating someone AMAZING, s/he’s so great, isn’t it crazy? Without fail, they utter the fateful sentence: “This is the last thing I ever expected!”

Really? Because it’s the first thing I expected. Because this cycle has been repeating itself over and over and over for as long as we’ve been friends. When I delicately point this out, the friend always responds the same way: “I know, I know, but I’m not like you. You’re so good at being alone.” Not only is that an insulting statement, but it’s not like being alone is a skill. You just put your head down and do it. It’s not hard.

I might not understand my serial monogamist friends, but for my own sake, I wish they’d calm down. It’s very embarrassing when I refer to one of their significant others by the last one’s name.

Leila Cohan-Miccio 

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and with it comes endless romantic pressure, whether you’re single or taken. The deeply unpleasant nature of being single on February 14 has been discussed ad nauseum elsewhere, but Valentine’s Day is also awful for couples.

Sure, the idea of a day celebrating love seems like it should be a cakewalk for couples, but Valentine’s brings with it a holy host of complications. For the newly dating, it’s a legit nightmare: do you celebrate it? How fancy do you get? Is it weird to order flowers for someone who isn’t even officially your boy/girlfriend? Should you just politely ignore the entire thing? We personally know several people who have planned strategic trips out of town just to avoid this conundrum.

Matters don’t get much better for those in long-term relationships. Giving a present seems forced and commercial – after all, Valentine’s Day is rarely significant to the couple itself. It’s just something the romantic industrial complex deems should be celebrated. Even if you can look past that, the fact remains that Valentine’s Day is just a pain in the ass: restaurants offer expensive prix fixe menus exclusively and you have to get a reservation months in advance.

Of course, Valentine’s Day isn’t all bad. The decorations are cute and it’s hard to hate any holiday that involves that much candy. Our suggestion for enjoying February 14: revert to childhood, when V-Day was still fun. Stuff yourself silly with candy and give your friends cheesy store bought cards. For once, romance is the less fun option.

Leila Cohan-Miccio

I’m a dedicated browser of magazines in the grocery store checkout aisle and so we feel pretty qualified to report: Cosmopolitan headlines are getting stupider. Just this month, all-caps letters screamed EIGHT THINGS YOU MUST TELL YOUR GYNO. I refused to open the magazine and read the list, but we have our speculations:

1. You look great today!
2. Ugh, don’t go see Country Strong. Totally not worth it.
3. This season of The Bachelor is really good.
4. I have recurring dreams about the Natural History Museum.
5. I have a great recipe for vegan chili!
6. Saks is having a crazy sale right now.
7. Oh god, I’m so hungover.
8. I have genital herpes.

But Cosmo doesn’t stop there! Other headlines are just misleading. A few months ago, the cover invited me to learn about THE NEW DRINK THAT COULD KILL YOU. Spoiler: it was binge drinking. That is neither new or, strictly speaking, a drink.

Perhaps the worst-ever Cosmo headline, though, came last year when the magazine apparently decided that its constantly-recycled sex tips (tie a scrunchie around his penis! Pop a mint before oral sex!) had lacked background information. So as to help readers understand how everything starts, the cover helpfully advised “FIRST, TAKE HIS PANTS OFF.” Oh, so that’s been the problem! Thanks, Cosmo!

An earnest plea to Cosmopolitan and its ilk: women are smart. Stop pretending we aren’t with headlines that insult us. Or keep writing those headlines: insulting or not, they’re the best entertainment in a checkout line.

Leila Cohan-Miccio

Holiday engagement season ends tonight and, if you’re anything like this writer, you know several ladies who got a ring for Christmas. Even celebrities got in on the action, with Reese Witherspoon, Natalie Portman, and LeeAnn Rimes all becoming affianced. Though the engagement ring is actually a relatively recent tradition created by the diamond industry, as any engaged or married lady will tell you, the first thing people ask you is “Can I see the ring?” With that in mind, we’ve created a tongue-in-cheek guide to what sort of bride wears what sort of ring. Keep this handy for when your newly-engaged friend asks you to be her maid of honor.

Round: Round stone brides tend to be mellow women who claim that they don’t have the “bride gene.” While sometimes this leads to an elopement, more often it leads to a wedding that straddles the fine line between laid back and disorganized.

Princess Cut: Pointy corners=pointy personality. Is it a coincidence that the princess cut rock is often spotted on episodes of Bridezillas? We think not.

Emerald: Emerald cut ladies are usually obsessive planners, considering every aspect of their wedding right down to the smallest detail. It’s no coincidence that notorious Type A personality Reese Witherspoon just got one of these.

Halo: Pave brides are the most likely to savor a long engagement before setting a date. Perhaps they’re distracted by the intense sparkle on their left hand.

Heart: Let’s be real. The only person with a heart shaped diamond in this day and age is Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger.

Non-Diamond Ring: We are biased (and sporting a sapphire!), but the gemstone set tends to eschew super formal weddings in favor of nontraditional (and yet, still stress-inducing) shindigs.

No Ring: Admirable people who are able to maintain strong ethics resolve in the face of shiny sparkly presents. We salute them.

Leila Cohan-Miccio