Let's Be Friends. Not.
You accomplish nothing - nada, zip, zero - by hanging out with someone who doesn't want to be with you.0
“Then he asked if we could still be friendly. So I think we are set to have a drink,” explained my friend on the phone last night. She just pseudo broke up with her pseudo boyfriend of just a few months. The past few days she has been sad over the pseudo break up but also because she is sick of having the break-up talk. Another round of break-up talks means she soon has to re-emerge on the big bad city dating market, but not before the awkward post-break up follow-up talk.Because they had so many mutual friends, a conversation was in order. I’ve had these conversations on numerous occasions, usually for the guy’s benefit as I normally could care less if I see you with your new girlfriend. If I were meant to be your girlfriend, I would be. Some people, my aforementioned friend included, think that because they have mutual friends they have to be friends. Plans to meet for drinks and friendly back-and-forth emails ensue.
So this is the thing, if these are empty promises intended to lighten the break-up blow, then fine. I mean, I don’t make them, but if you want to play pretend, it’s all fine. However, if you actually plan to meet up and have a drink with him, pretend like last time you did so you didn’t go home and romp, then you might need a mini wake up call. Remember how you wanted to tone your arms, read Man In Full, organize the shoes in your oven, learn to use your oven, go to yoga, catch up with your college bio lab partner? Well you are not going to accomplish any of those things going to have drinks with someone who doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.
Let me repeat that: You accomplish nothing, nada, zilch spending time with someone who doesn’t want to be with you or you don’t want to be with. For all of the dating mistakes I make, I don’t do the “let’s be friends” thing unless there was a truly solid friendship before said “relationship.” I have plenty of friends thankyouverymuch. Friends enrich our souls, make us laugh, push us to grow and mine bring pints of frozen yogurt rather than ice cream because they know that when I feel better I won’t want to be fat. Until you say “I Do,” friends are more important than dudes you date. And even after “I Do,” YOU are the most important priority in your life and making sure that you are growing to your personal potential comes before all the rest. Having drinks with some lame ex whatever-he-was is counterproductive to this growth.
By all means, be friendly, but kindly decline set plans. “Oh I would love to but I can’t Tuesday, I have plans.” Because you do have plans…with your yoga mat. You are strong enough to make choices that fuel your fire and allow you to burn brightly and smart enough to start making those choices now.
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