My Crush

So many of my recent columns have focused tirelessly on break-ups, how to get rid of guys, when to rip the band aid off and march on and so on. Before this string of sad columns centered around what can only rightly be called “the end,” there was “the beginning.” Hell, I nearly forgot about the blissful, bashful, blithering beginning…until now.

I have a crush! It’s been so long since I’ve had a legitimate crush who wasn’t an ego-serving maniac boasting about his latest “deal” or a dowdy sneak manipulating me into giving out my number, I’m not sure what to do. Yes, you read correctly. I’m not sure what to do. Normally I’m relentlessly pursued before the crush, on my part, develops. Rarely, have I developed a bit of a friendship before said courting and in the present case, I can’t tell that courting has even ensued. I can’t even tell anything because I can’t get a read on the situation.

Now I’m all “What do I do?” My normally outgoing flirtation has been muted by my new found constant and painful awareness of my every move. Did he just see me fussing over my hair? What if that joke was totally moronic? I’m so self-aware (see also: self-conscious) that I can’t even tell if I’m flirting at all. Maybe he doesn’t even know I fancy him. How do I know when he knows?

My instinct is to tactfully plan out how to obtain said crush – to place myself in the right place at the right time, to do some research into his friends, interests, etc. You know, strategize. I’m good at strategizing. This time, however, my crush is so girly and giggly, I can’t fathom a good strategy. I am being reserved! Not because I am trying to play hard to get but because I am not playing anything. Who am I? I don’t even know myself.

I decided, almost unconsciously really, to let my crush grow organically. (See also: do nothing.) Does that mean I’m being recreant? Probably. But maybe letting go of my city dating neurosis (i.e. giving into my rarely seen shy side) means letting the universe decide for me. Plus the crush faze is so fun, I have no desire to move it along. Nope. No desire at all…

…until the competitive winner in me wants to prove I can, and will, obtain that which I desire. Then I’ll write a ‘how to’ on baiting and reeling in your crush. This organic giddiness can’t last that long. For your sake, right?

Emma Dinzebach

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Posted by Emma Dinzebach at 12:00 AM
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