Unzipped: 10 Minutes in Whole Foods
Next time you're drawn towards a sloppy dresser in a Honda Zip Car, remember things are usually just as they seem.1
Last week I was on a rush mission to Whole Foods. With the grocery list on repeat in my mind, I set my iPhone stopwatch app (yes, I’m nuts) aiming to be in and out in a record ten minutes. In the parking garage, a silver call pulled alongside me. From the corner of my eye I spied a faded navy Michigan hat. I purposefully hesitated, slowly folding my grocery bags flat and carefully placing them in my handbag, providing ample time to fully assess said man in silver car. I took a quick inventory as he emerged from the vehicle (tan, tall, somewhat unkempt, unacceptable attire but hot) then touched the start button and raced away. Nothing would stand in the way of my record.
Inside, I saw him twice. He wore faded navy shorts. There may or may not have been a cargo pocket (gag), a gray t-shirt and the aforementioned unfortunate baseball cap. But he had good legs, and I’m very particular about a man’s legs. On the bright side, a man who puts such little thought into his appearance likely has a mostly malleable wardrobe. In three takes I determined that he must be good for something. I mean, he was perfectly tanned, and although my imagination likely trumps my memory on this one, he had the wavy, sandy blonde surfer locks.
Exactly 9.65 minutes later, I walked to my car high on record time triumph. A thought occurred to me: I should leave a note on his car! Immediately followed by: But first I should see what kind of car it is. So I walked around my car to asses. It was Honda. I’m not stooping so low to leave to leave a note on a Honda in a Whole Foods parking lot. As I pulled away, I caught glimpse of a little green circle and came to a screeching halt. It was Zip car. “It’s not his car!” I said aloud. Maybe his car is in the shop or he’s in from out of town or better yet, he’s an environmentalist. I pulled out my phone to call for reinforcement.
“Lauren,” I said, “I’m in Whole Foods parking lot…” and I explained away the situation. She supported my car note idea suggesting I write “You’re cute.” I rarely use the word cute to describe anything but my dog, but what the hell. So neatly but hurriedly (god forbid he were to come out) I wrote my name, number and a really embarrassing message on the back of my receipt and sprinted over to attach it to his windshield wiper.
Five days later, I received a text message: Got your note on my car. Want to get a drink? –Name
And that, my friends, was the end of that. I left a note on his car! I risked a potentially humiliating situation. And in return he responded with an utterly lame, unoriginal text five days later! Stupid boys. A technologically savvy man cannot wait five days to get in touch with a female and expect that I’ll actually go out with you. No. No. No. Unusually long waiting periods signify laziness, disinterest, inability to care for children, and indecisiveness. Ugh, the latter; I cannot think of a quality as unattractive as indecisiveness.
So for everyone who judged me as shallow and superficial when I rattled off his fraternity casual attire, I’ll let you in on a little secret. The way people present themselves to the world is usually (unless they are sick, in a natural disaster, displaced, etc.) a direct reflection of their inner being and indicative of a variety of personality traits. Given his sloppy appearance, why did I expect any different? In truth, I didn’t. My time keeping, note writing, over-analyzing are actually mechanisms of self-entertainment. And for that, they are served their purpose. But next time you feel drawn towards a sloppy dresser in a Honda Zip Car at two o’clock on a Thursday afternoon, remember that things are usually just as they seem.
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