Relationships

On our insatiable search for the best of the best, we are consumed with the idea of something better. For every dinner we have, we will eat better. For every handbag we love, we will love one more. For every guy we date, we can’t help but wonder “What if there is someone I’m more compatible with?” The next-best-thing concept is continuously challenged by the excessive amount of information at our fingertips and the sheer size of the dating sea. How do we decide which fish to keep?

Thus the changing role of the back burner – Once reserved for people we could never really be with, the back burner has become a coveted holding place for potential partners who might actually make the cut. So much so that you want to be on someone’s back burner. The back burner might even be a means to real relationship. Gasp.
For instance, say I am dating three guys. I really like guy A. I think about him when I’m on other dates. When I read something interesting, I wonder what he would think of it. The way his mind operates fascinates me, hence the letter A. But because I’m too afraid to let my guard down, not sure who else he has on all of his burners and cannot say for certain our relationship has a future, I have guy B. Yes, I could clear up all of those questions by simply asking him, and then ditch B and C if he feels the same way OR ditch him and pursue B and C if he does not, but I don’t because: 1) I am a masochist addicted to a twisted dating game. 2) I refuse to compromise the imaginary power I maintain by withholding my true feelings. 3) Bringing it up contradicts the romanticized story in my mind. 4) The root of most dating dilemmas: fear of rejection.

Guy B is awesome, but I don’t make as much of an effort to get to know him. I might not text him back for a day and sometimes forget he emailed me. He might be the love of my life, but for now I keep him on the back burner and hope he stays there until I have resolved issues with A, which could take months or longer. Why on earth would someone want to be on the back burner? Being on someone’s back burner means that they like you enough to keep you. Fear of rejection avoided; and frankly, you beat a lot of other fish. You are a keeper in a great big sea…at least for now.

Poor guy C. He might be awesome, but because my time is spent on A and B, I don’t have much left over for him. Maybe his burner isn’t even turned on. He will either get tired of me because he thinks I’m flaky or assume my lack of attention means I’m not into him. But I give him just enough attention to keep him on the stove, and then redirect my focus to A and B, respectively.

Oddly, my inability to give the back burners proper attention can make them even more interested in me, while the amount of attention given to A can make him like me less. (I detest this part…) I recognize that human beings want what they can’t have, so I purposefully divert my attention from A, temporarily moving him to the back burner and B forward. Now guy B is receiving the bulk of my partially-divided attention, even though it creates a bit of cognitive dissonance, and I reciprocate until guy A gets antsy from being intentionally restricted and increases interest in me. (Mission = successful.)

Oh it’s all complicated on the love stove as the back burner no longer means perpetual second place and potential mates are consistently moved around the stove. Think musical chairs.

Emma Dinzebach

I was recently informed that I am mature enough to have a civil conversation with someone I no longer wish to date regardless of whether or not I was exclusively dating them. “The non-boyfriend break-up? The awkward “we were never really together, so why are we having this talk” talk? Oh I totally disagree,” I responded adamantly.

I went on to say that break-up talks are not necessary unless exclusively dating. See also: Boyfriend and Girlfriend. That means I have directly expressed interest in either 1) Sex with you and no one else but you, which means neither of us can sleep with someone else but are allowed to go on dates, or 2) Number one plus exclusively dating you and no one else but you.

If none of these words have not emerged from my full, pretty lips, or I have not agreed to them, then I will see other people as the opportunities present.  Sidenote: Personally, I like men who bring this up first. Not the second date because that equals crazy, but I like a man with relationship conviction. Regardless of my stance, I am flattered to be the object of said desire and think highly of your self-awareness and courage. If no talk has ensued, then you are not my boyfriend, and I am not your girlfriend. I don’t need a non-boyfriend break-up talk. I am fine with the diss and dismiss.

But my friends rejected, spat on and kicked this standpoint. So I’m thinking, Haven’t these people ever seen He’s Just Not That Into You? If a guy likes you, he will call/text/email you. In most cases, he will do all of the above. He will schedule time to see you and ask about your week. He will measure what you like and don’t like. He will remember at least something you said. He will respond to your inquiries in a timely fashion. If he doesn’t email you back about your friend’s broken finger, he is probably busy at work. If he doesn’t email you back about your date on Saturday night, he probably doesn’t like you.

The same goes for you. When you like a guy, let him know. If you honestly forget to text him back after he asks you to dinner on Thursday night… You get it. You would never forget if you liked the guy. If either party made a mistake by failing to provide the proper amount of attention or clear communication, and this can happen at first with the varying personalities and the male species insane ability to compartmentalize, then give it another try.

And most importantly, hold yourself in high regard. When it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. No one is too busy. No one is too dense. No one “has a lot on his mind” all the time. (Because srsly, the President has a lot more on his mind than your paper-pushing date and he still goes on dates.) If you are ruminating excessively over a near stranger, then let it go. In my opinion, you don’t even have to tell him. If he’s sees the error of his way, he will come back. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t smart enough for you anyway. There are a billion men in this world. Actually, there are more.

Emma Dinzebach

Forget the traditional meaning of double dating. This is New York, not Nashville; and for Gotham girls double dating means you have back to back dates. Tight travel schedules, strict deadlines and a packed September social schedule have made double dating an increasingly necessary part of my life. Double dating is also a useful strategy for people on the fast track to marriage and for people with sparse wardrobes. It sounds exhausting, but if you have the energy, double dating is a time-saving godsend.

The only way an amateur like yourself can successfully pull off double dating involves following these guidelines. So even though I am going to be crucified by all of the men I’m currently seeing, below are the double dating rules. I hope you appreciate my sacrifice.

How to Double Date

3) You have to lie. I know it sounds bad to start off a potential relationship with a lie, but imagine the great story it will make if one of the dudes is indeed prince charming. I always use my brother because no sane man would argue that spending time with him trumps spending time with my brother. Dudes are scared of brothers. Plus, my brother is younger, so it’s totally realistic that I would have to meet him late at night.

4) Trust your gut. This goes for everything in life, but especially dating. If you find yourself giddy and lifted from date number one, politely say “Will you please excuse me for a second?” Then go outside. If you feel weird doing this, you can lie (again) and say you have to use the restroom, but never go in the restroom. I repeat, DO NOT go to the restroom. You have no idea who might overhear you. Men in adjacent bathrooms can hear through vents and nosy waitresses will tell your date. It has all happened before. Go outside.

Call date number two. Do not text him. Text cancellations are very rude. Kindly explain to him that something came up. If you aim to see him again, then you are going to have to lie again. Your sister is hysterical, and you feel so bad leaving her because you have been very busy [insert something wifely here – volunteering, taking care of your sick neighbors dog, etc.] and haven’t been there for her lately. Apologize profusely while peppering him with specified flattery. Say you were looking so forward to seeing him because [insert something specific]. The more specific your flattery, the more sincere you will sound. But don’t make an elaborate story! Elaborate stories are dead giveaways. Ask when can you reschedule? This is key. Reschedule right then and there. That way you are polite, considerate, and flattering – bases covered.

Then go back inside and make out with your date.

5) Keep track of the stories – yours and theirs. This is why god invented smart phones ladies. Limit your martinis if alcohol affects your memory. Making sure you aren’t asking date number two about his dog dying when that was date number one’s story is important. You don’t want to come off as aloof, rude or like a complete idiot. Complete idiots can’t pull this off.

6) Do not try three. Three are exhausting and unnecessary. And if you even have three dates in one day, then maybe you should consider taking over this column.

Emma Dinzebach

“Look,” I said after a few more minutes of listening, “I may not be able to write a book on how to get a ring on your finger, but when it comes to the beginning stages of a relationship, I have done it enough times to be able to spot a specific phase from a mile away. And you, missy, are undeniably in the hate phase.”

“The what?”

“The hate phase. The hate phase occurs between three weeks and three months of a new realtionship. Sometimes you can’t pull yourself out of the hate phase. You can’t get over that thick hair on his middle toe or the way he mispronounces ceviche by adding an annoying “r” thus making it cer-viche. You hate how he makes fun of white wine. His left side burn is slightly longer than his right. He’s not secure in his convictions, doesn’t open the car door and tuck you in, has never heard of Julia Child before the movie, and so on and so forth. It’s the part where you get so annoyed at the person their every word burns you. They are the village idiot and you are the queen. What is the queen doing with the village idiot? you ask yourself over and over. But it happens with the smart ones too. You become annoyed by their constant need to spit facts and highlight idiosyncrasies. You know, the hate phase.”

I thought back to hate phases of the past. I remember an ex looking over at me one night and saying, “You just don’t like me, do you?”

“Nope,” I replied and rolled over and closed my eyes to sleep. The truth was that I did like him…a lot. But as I was knee deep in the hate phase, I couldn’t seem to remember why. During the hate phase, all of the things you initially loved fade to the background, becoming overwhelmed by everything you hate…or everything you think you hate. The trickiest part of the hate phase is that you may not actually hate any of the traits that annoy you, but for some reason, during this funny but dreaded phase, you do. I thought my boyfriend of the time said the cheesiest, least funny things I had ever heard. Hearing him make a joke was like nails to a chalkboard, giving me shivers and forcing me to hide my face. I thought he smelled, talked too much, ate horribly and had nose hair. Truthfully, he is really funny. But all of the other things I was right about, and when I reached the “love phase” my disdain for those traits vanished. He didn’t change his eating habits or stop talking or trim his nose hair, I just moved one to a different phase.

I sipped my latte and looked up at her. “Give it some time. Honestly, give it a few weeks. Sometimes emerging from the hate phase takes time, and if you never do, then cest la vie.”

“You’re right,” she responded. (Duh.) “I remember being at a coffee shop with [name of former love of her life] a couple months into our relationship and thinking ‘This guy sucks. And not only does he suck, he’s a moron who sucks.’ But I got over it, and rarely think of that at all.”

“See,” I replied. “Case in point. Wait it out.”

“Do you think they go through hate phases?” she asked.

“No,” I said firmly. “Why on earth would they?”

Emma Dinzebach