Cosmopolitan

I’m a dedicated browser of magazines in the grocery store checkout aisle and so we feel pretty qualified to report: Cosmopolitan headlines are getting stupider. Just this month, all-caps letters screamed EIGHT THINGS YOU MUST TELL YOUR GYNO. I refused to open the magazine and read the list, but we have our speculations:

1. You look great today!
2. Ugh, don’t go see Country Strong. Totally not worth it.
3. This season of The Bachelor is really good.
4. I have recurring dreams about the Natural History Museum.
5. I have a great recipe for vegan chili!
6. Saks is having a crazy sale right now.
7. Oh god, I’m so hungover.
8. I have genital herpes.

But Cosmo doesn’t stop there! Other headlines are just misleading. A few months ago, the cover invited me to learn about THE NEW DRINK THAT COULD KILL YOU. Spoiler: it was binge drinking. That is neither new or, strictly speaking, a drink.

Perhaps the worst-ever Cosmo headline, though, came last year when the magazine apparently decided that its constantly-recycled sex tips (tie a scrunchie around his penis! Pop a mint before oral sex!) had lacked background information. So as to help readers understand how everything starts, the cover helpfully advised “FIRST, TAKE HIS PANTS OFF.” Oh, so that’s been the problem! Thanks, Cosmo!

An earnest plea to Cosmopolitan and its ilk: women are smart. Stop pretending we aren’t with headlines that insult us. Or keep writing those headlines: insulting or not, they’re the best entertainment in a checkout line.

Leila Cohan-Miccio