McDonald's: The Musical by Elizabeth Sowden

Noelle sat in the back of the store, sulking. Another disastrous audition. It was something she never would have auditioned for, being that it was so beneath her, but her agent called her, harassed her and told her that if she didn’t come down off her snow-white steed long enough to actually try to find work, she’d be pushing diamonds for future Westchester brides for the rest of her life.

And so, Noelle auditioned for “McDonalds: The Musical”. The musical was set in a McDonald’s franchise in Rockford, Illinois, and chronicled the lives of the employees and customers who came and went: the perky blonde cashier who’s having an illicit affair with the shy guy who runs the deep fryer, the dope dealer who’s in cohoots with the assistant manager, the homeless man who panhandles out front, and the endless parade of colorful patrons. There was even an hommage to Grease in a drive-through scene. The dialogue was actually good, and the plot was intelligent. It could have been a good play…had the composer not decided to set the entire soundtrack to reggae.

As she prepared for the audition, Noelle discovered that the musical was originally a play (the kind that didn’t have music) that was pretty successful in Seattle. It was the current producers who decided to turn it into a musical—as if the formula for Broadway success was “add music and voila! You have the next RENT.” The Easy Mac of musical theater. Noelle thought bitterly.

Anyway, she auditioned. She sang the solo from “Seasons of Love,” which she thought was quite shrewd, knowing that these casting people were most likely Rentheads, and she read a monologue from Bus Stop. She did reasonably well, she thought, considering that she wasn’t putting her Best Effort into it.

Now she had nothing to do but sit in the back of the store and listen to Noreen prattle on about the fungus that she was cultivating under her toenail.

“I used to be a ballerina,” Noreen said, “Can you believe it?”

Glancing at Noreen’s stubby calves and dimpled, tree-trunk thighs, Noelle thought, not really.

The buzzer on the front door rang and Noelle leapt to her feet, thankful to have an excuse to get away from Noreen. But when she saw the face on the other side of the glass, she felt faint.

It was Devon, the guy she’d met in the lobby of her building, who spoke French and kept her cat from running out into the street. He looked even better now than he had that morning: he was dressed in a midnight blue suit, no tie, collar open. Noelle walked coolly over to the door and opened it.

“Noelle,” he said, “I didn’t know you worked here.”

“Sure,” she said, “I love jewelry. So what brings you here, Devon?”

“Believe it or not, to buy an engagement ring.”

Noelle didn’t believe it. She was stunned. He hadn’t mentioned anything about a girlfriend the other day.

“Engagement ring?” she asked, channeling Audrey Hepburn as best she could.

“Yes, I’m going to propose to Becky,” he said, as if he had already mentioned her. Devon took out his wallet and showed Noelle a picture of a skinny chick with wild frizzy hair and uneven eyebrows.

“She’s cute,” Noelle said. Cute as a three-legged squirrel, she thought. “Well, I can promise you that we’ll find the ring that will make her say yes!” She smiled. She wasn’t going to let on she was disappointed. She showed him the highest quality rings in the store, certain that he didn’t love this Becky enough to buy her a ring that cost more than his first car and student loans combined.

“That’s it, that’s the one!” he said, pointing to a stunning, six carat princess cut solitaire in a platinum setting, the kind of thing that made all of Scarsdale swoon.

“Fabulous,” Noelle said, never breaking her smooth-as-sorbet façade. She took the ring out of the glass case and watched as he examined it in the light. A smile lit up his face, and Noelle felt suddenly very bitter towards this Becky. Devon pulled out his platinum Amex and handed it to her. This was the biggest commission she’d made in months, and yet somehow when she swiped his card, she felt as though she’d been robbed.

“I’m taking her to Pastis tonight,” he said.

“That’s wonderful,” Noelle said, suddenly craving steak tartare and a croque monsieur.

“Well, thanks for this,” Devon said, taking the glossy bag from her. “I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, good luck,” she said, and watched as he walked out the door. When he was gone, she rested her head on the counter. Why did such a beautiful man have to be engaged? Before Noelle could muster up another thought, the phone rang.

“Noelle, its for you!” Noreen called. “It’s your agent.” Noreen gave her a disapproving look which she ignored and picked up the phone.

“Noelle, I got great news. They loved you down there.”

“Who loved me?”

“At the theater! The audition for ‘McDonads: The Musical’, remember?”

“They liked me?”

“Yes! They said you don’t even have to go in for a callback! They want you to be the lead!”

Writen by: Elizabeth Sowden

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