Couples Costumes

So my friend recently started seeing this guy, like really recently. Suddenly it’s Halloween, and she’s all “What should me and John be for Halloween?” I would rather listen to a jack hammer outside my window at 3 a.m. than this tired, irritating question. I don’t know what you and John should be. Why don’t you be whatever you want and if he isn’t creative enough to think of his own costume and has to tag along to yours, then you can use that as a measure as to whether or not he is worthy of your imaginative mind and nice ass? I thought, but did not say. I detest couples costumes to the point that it may necessitate a list. They are widely unimaginative, ugly and kind of make me want to puke in my mouth a little bit.
1. I am very particular about my costume. If you are not as particular, then it just looks stupid. For instance, the angel and the devil. I show up in a glistening angelic angel costume and you have on a red polo and horns. Not acceptable. I’d rather you just be something that isn’t related to my costume.

2. Which brings me to #2. Couples costumes only work if both people are equally into the costume or if one person fully takes the reigns. (While I am fully into the costume, I do not have time or energy to take responsibility for your costume. I’d rather spend that energy on myself.)

3. It’s just so awful when you know the girl orchestrated it and the dude looks like a total idiot. I just feel bad for him.

4. But it’s absolutely despicable when the dude orchestrates doctor and nurse. He’s in scrubs and she’s basically naked. So sad.

5. Except when it works, like the year my friend and her boyfriend were the Soprano’s Christopher and Adriana. She had a black eye. It was awesome.

6. And all of these are just totally atrocious. Beyond.

In conclusion, if you are dating me, then think of Halloween like our wedding. It’s my day, and I would like my costume to be the best. You can shine, but don’t shine too brightly. And if you can’t deal with my Halloween tude, then you are clearly dating the wrong girl.

Emma Dinzebach

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Posted by Emma Dinzebach at 12:00 AM
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