New York Survival Guide

A side project has taken me so far beyond my borough I’m getting tired at like 1 a.m. Yeah, it was news to me that outside of the city places close well before 5 a.m. But another reason these preppies need extra sleep has to do with their more committed lifestyle. No joke. They have family outings, trips to Costco and sometimes even children to attend to in the morning. What am I speaking about, you ask? I’m speaking about men…in the rest of this great nation.

Which leads me to the age old question, will the men in Gotham ever effing grow up? Not probable, and here is why. Men in New York extend their youth and enjoy their glory days long after the rest of American men have glued on their wedding rings and purchased suburban houses… and Suburbans. Sigh. In my next life, I’m coming back as a male New Yorker – gay or straight – and livin’ la vida loca. But until then, I offer the reason for extended male singlehood, dissect a loose strategy to combat these men and out the complaints of Gotham’s great females.

First, they’re career-focused. Fortunately, so are we! However, our biological clock ticks and theirs does not. (Trust me, they don’t even have one.) So while women are having an internal showcase marriage/kids vs. career/independent fun, Gotham men are solely focused on the latter. We aim to find a mate; they aim to find an easy date. Maybe not at 28, but probably around 32, women start to itch. Men of similar age, however, appear unphased by urgency and overall, not at all interested. In truth, they can wait. Men can wait until 40 plus to marry as they have heaps of 20 and 30 somethings to choose from. A 40 year old woman, on the other hand, does not have it so easy.

New York women are bound be prowling Gotham long after ever intended. This is where I advise to embrace the age of the cougar. It defies psychosocial history, and likely won’t last long. So cougars, go get while the gettins good. For the rest of us, here are some simple options: 1) Date out of your league. And by “out,” I mean “under.” Most of my friends can vouch that I normally date men less attractive than me. It’s my thing. It makes me feel more secure. Women aiming to marry can use under-dating as a way to secure their mate. Trust me, it’s not as bad as it sounds. 2) Go old. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by what a little experience can do. 3) Move. In another city, you are the New Yorker. You’re the posh, chic Manhattan girl- the skinny one with the great wardrobe. The confidence boost will have the creme de la creme of men in xyz city swooning. 4) If all else fails, keep dreaming for the storybook fairytale. Just remember, this is New York. The center of the Land of Opportunity, the City That Never Sleeps, the Onion, THE CITY – where people don’t survive sitting around waiting for things to happen to them. But if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. So hold your head up high…and march on in those Jimmy Choo stilettos.

I know, it’s not much of a consolation and actually, kind of lame advice. But in the end of the day, there is someone for everyone – probably even a few someones – and you will find yours. Until then, we can bitch and complain about Gotham men, but the chances of easing our biological clocks could greatly increase if we loosened the grip on our ideal and realized that these men are a unique breed that can’t be quantified or even prepared for. They are every man we want and every boy we wish we never had. And it’s them or the suburban alternative. I’ll let you pick your poison.

You can’t leave Rover behind! I face this battle every weekend when I wheel and deal ways to get my pooch to the Hamptons without smuggling her in my suitcase. For the record, you can take your pooch on the Jitney as long as he/she is crated. If the crate will not fit under your seat, then you must put the dog-in-crate on the seat beside you…and buy an additional ticket for that seat. Do you see the dog-owner dilemma?

Now if you have a small dog who can be toted in a carrier, you are fine. I actually could do it because Mia is only about 30 lbs, but she is a bitch – no pun intended. What if your Rover is a lab, or worse yet, a mastiff. Then how do you get Rover to the Hamptons? Truth be told, you need a car. You need a friend’s car or a pet-friendly driver to tote you to the Jers, Hamptons or Fire Island ferry if you plan to give your pup some beach time.  (Metro North allows dogs up to 65lbs for no additional fee as long as they do no disturb other passengers.) I’ve given up my seat in friends cars and taken the train so my puppy can go, but if you aren’t as generous and don’t want to leave the pooch, it’s going to cost you – either morally or financially.

Someone suggested asking my doctor for medical approval. There are many disorders, besides blindness, that require a “service” dog, such as seizure disorders and various forms of anxiety. I’m too chicken to ask my doctor but certain there are plenty Gotham MDs with shaky moral compasses.

Lucky for us, New York is the land of alternatives with services to fit your every need. For dog owners, there is Pet Taxi. Pet Taxi is serious about getting your pooch to the Hamptons or Fire Island. In fact, they have their own webpage for doing so called Hampton Petney (get it, like Hampton Jitney? so clever!). You an your pooch can travel to the Hamptons or Fire Island together! Genius!
Of course the most economical way is to leave pup at home with your neighbor, brother or friend. But then what fun would that be?  For  information on nationwide dog-friendly beaches, hotels and transportation issues, visit www.dogfriendly.com. Do not forget that dogs might also need some prior vaccination before traveling, be sure to keep a bottle of cough medicine handy. You can find it at kennel cough treatment website.

Alas the weather has turned. New York’s singlets have swapped denim for dresses, and people are emerging from the woodwork to Saturdays on Sheep’s Meadow and midday roof deck fiestas. Sitting in the coffee shop happily typing away and watching the cheerful passerbys, a sudden pang of anxiety caught me off guard. I know this feeling; I’ve had it before. After a futile effort to thesaurus.com another word for the wretched saying, I figured I may as well just come clean and admit to myself that for me, spring brings a nasty case of lack of commitment.

Last week I met a guy running along the Hudson. After about twenty minutes of one-uping each other, we shared a smile then exchanged names. Thirty minutes later we were getting Gatorade at Chelsea Piers and walking back downtown. An hour later, I commented on the sad fact that I had no way of alerting my friend that I would be severely late for dinner. Two hours later and an official jerk, I bid farewell and sprinted home to a barage of both worried and angry text messages from said friend. Oops.

Then Wednesday night one spring fling sent date verification via text, I hesitated. My friend was in from London via Milan and meeting up with her meant new faces and new places. I effortlessly sent word that I wouldn’t make it and lamely suggested he come meet me. Then we toasted our Sangria to springtime spontaneity until it was late enough to dance off at Bungalow 8. In the morning I awoke to hungover guilt and and urge to rectify. But the spring fling had had enough of my failure to commit, declared me a flake and left me licking my wounds. In an effort to boast my ego back to status quo, I slid on my sunglasses and headed to Gimme coffee to shop for a spring fling replacement.

Oddly, Gimme coffee was empty. The universe was signaling me to rethink my frisky springtime behaviors. Is springtime spontaneity really worth the consequences? And is resulting lack of commitment even acceptable? A weeks worth of apologies and jam- packed schedule to rectify relationships with blown off friends left me weary and longing for recuperation and some winter reminiscent snuggles. So I phoned a more-than-friend and went over to watch design shows and go to bed early. In the morning I realized that my superficial lack of commitment and multiple spring flings wouldn’t really get me where I wanted to be, which is right where I was.

In New York, pet owners, who are often considered a breed of their own, find themselves strolling to the tune of “Anything we can do, they can do better!” (of course when I say they, I am referring to their four legged friends)

Pet Airways, the first 100% dog friendly airline (sorry fellow fashionistas, you’re not allowed!), which caters to all the elite “pawsengers” who just couldn’t stand the thought of traveling…dare I say…CARGO. Offering an introductory price of $150 each way (pretty much the same cost as cargo travel on most airlines) Pet Airways, will have your pooch flying first class with uber posh amenities.  The journey starts with a Pet Lounge where you drop off your pampered pooch, and continues with potty breaks and a personal pet attendant who checks in on them every 15 minutes of the flight.

While all this sounds right up my fellow New York pet owners ally’s, I can’t help but wonder…Have our friendly skies gone to the dogs?

For more information on travel destinations and fares check out their website or call 1-888-PET-AIRWAYS.
-Lindsey