Forget being embarrassed and forget hurting each other's precious egos. If you aim to get it on, you have to open the lines of communication.0
For years, my friend and her sweet, caring, funny boyfriend tried to make their sexual relationship work. A stellar couple in every other regard, something was amiss between the sheets. Despite efforts ranging from long discussions to creative techniques, they couldn’t make it work. As I learned the tragic details of time wasted and love lost, I wondered how this could happen. I wondered if there signs indicating potential for trouble somewhere in the beginning of a relationship or can your sex life just deteriorate? Once thought to be a problem rampant in understimulating marriages, these sex horror stories are becoming more prevlaent… or I’m just getting older. Gross.
A couple years ago, my then boyfriend asked me how important sex was to a relationship. Everyone I had ever dated had been quite sexually assertive, likely some psychological issue, so although I hadn’t formerly considered it as such, to me sex is important. As friend after friend experienced varying issues in the bedroom, I started to realize just how important. Recently, another friend asked what to do about some issues she and her barely boyfriend were having in the boudoir. “Honestly, I don’t have an answer for you,” I replied. “I have yet to experience this problem, but if you really like him then you have to decide how important sex is in your relationship,” I advised.
Now this guy was great. He had multiple graduate degrees, an awesome apartment and no visible red flags. He had great hair, apparent emotional availability, and he cooked. But she knew better than to fall in love with someone with deep seeded bedroom issues. She gave it a couple more gos, and then reluctantly let him go. (Why did I just picture throwing back a too small fish?)
Sure, sex alone cannot sustain your relationship. I also have friends who, despite having great sex, aren’t connected with their partners in any other way. For most couples, sex is average to good peppered with a few mind-blowing moments and some before bed quickies. As time goes on, even couples healthy in every other way can risk turning to stale sex. In fact, it’s the number two problem in relationships (after money). I looked it up.
So communication is important. Ho. Hum. Forget being embarrassed and forget hurting each other’s precious egos. If you are choosing to make this person your partner, then opening the lines of communication early on – in and out of your bedroom – is essential. My hyper-sexual partners always talk about it early on making it easy for me. If you and your bed buddy aren’t as straightforward, you’re going to have to find a comfortable way to breach the topic. But again, I haven’t had this issue yet, so how exactly you choose to communicate your sexual needs is up to your own self-bettering research.
Then there are some people perfectly matched in the bedroom and in life. Feel free to hate these people.
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